Tired and unmotivated

I am so tired.

I am so unmotivated.

I don’t understand.

Everybody else seems to believe in me but myself. I work so hard, I always give my best, people seem to notice but it doesn’t seem to take me anywhere.

I am so sick of it.

How to escape?

‘So some people are born gay,’ she asked

Hmm.

My dad found a new partner a couple of years ago and about 7 years after divorcing from my mom. Fair enough, she is very nice and she has three super smart kids, one of them very religious. We have come to the point we call each other brothers and sisters.

Some time ago I posted a gay related video to my Facebook wall. And my new religious sister asked whether I thought people are born gay or it is caused by the environment. I didn’t feel like getting into a debate over it on my FB wall and replied that I didn’t know. Which is quite an honest answer, I really don’t?

A few days after that she wrote about that in her blog, and my sister kind of discussed it with her in the comments.. so I suggested her to watch ‘Prayers for Bobby’. I am looking forward to her comments about that.

I am mostly out to my family.. I mean my sister knows, my mom knows… one of my grandmothers knows.

I am not out to my dad, though. I am quite sure he knows as I used to visit him with my ex boyfriend and he has asked about him after that, etc, but he seems to prefer not to know for sure. I think he would be very embarrassed, he is even super embarrassed that I don’t know how to swim. I mean he told me not to tell to my new ‘sisters and brother’ because he would be embarrassed. I guess not being able to swim is nothing compared to being gay?

I would like to tell to my new sister, though. She is very religious but she seems to be quite tolerant, and I would like to help her to see that… being gay does not define one as a person, and it is, well, not important. I am a person, my sexuality does not matter.

It is quite cool that she has brought it up. I would love to discuss it with her. Maybe I will someday. I don’t see her very often, unfortunately, as we live in different countries.

Jonathan Dalcin

Needing a cuddle

Hey there.

What a long and miserable day at work. OK, it wasn’t actually THAT miserable but quite a lot was happening and I have a feeling that I didn’t handle everything as well as I could. I often feel that, lately. I guess I am not as devoted as I used to be, and I am growing anxious. The good thing is that a project that I have been working on for the past few months is about to be launched next week. I am quite excited and hope it will turn out OK.

I feel quite lonely today. My flat mate left town to spend a weekend with her boyfriend and I am stuck in London, working on the weekend.

I went as far as considering finding a one night stand tonight but I am too lazy. I texted to a colleague I had a ‘thing’ with a while ago but unfortunately or fortunately he is busy with work until late tonight. He asked me to come over later tonight but I cannot be bothered as I need to be productive tomorrow.

I would give quite a lot for a cuddle, though. Who could I ask to come over. All alternatives are out of town somehow, and I really don’t feel like trying anyone ‘new’ today. You know, how it is, or rather don’t know… ever, how it is going to be. And I am too tired for new and awkward situations.

This is the very reason why I need a boyfriend.

The second reason is that I want someone to travel with. I have money now, but I don’t have anyone to go on a city break with. That sucks.

What else?

I think I am going to watch some film now. I want something alternative and gay-related, if possible. I am not sure if anyone reads this blog but if you DO, suggest something. Maybe I won’t watch it tonight but it is good to have something in store for boring miserable evenings like this.

Cute guy of today is Josh Stanley

Date with a younger guy

Hey!

So I went to a date today. It was rather weird and I didn’t expect anything – just another online date, we all know that most of them are rather disappointing.

First thing – I do not usually have sex with random strangers, and I do not do sex-dates stuff, I always go for a coffee or a walk to get to know the person, before even thinking of taking it further.

OK, so I found this guy on Gayromeo (a popular online dating site here in Europe at least). Or rather he found me and sent me a message. Normally I would not even reply to a 18 years old guy (I am 23 and I consider myself quite mature, I prefer to go out with guys older than me), but he intrigued me for some reason. We had a short chat in Skype and I proposed to meet up for a coffee as I am really not interested in making loads of online friends.

So we met up, my expectations were low.. thought I’d spend an hour chatting over a cup of coffee.

I have to admit that I was totally surprised of what I got. He looked OK, very OK even… kind of boyish, maybe a bit too young ..he definitely looked less than 18 years old, so that’s a bit of a turn-off… but he was super smart and we had so much to talk about. I am sincerely surprised that a 18 years old can have so much substance.  We discussed religion and philosophy and… stuff. Ended up chatting with him for 5 hours before saying that I was tired, hungry and wanted to go home. I didn’t take him home with me although I think he would have come, if I asked.

I am not sure now. He is too young, but we had so much in common. Mmm, I guess I would want to see him again … at the same time I doubt that it would work out.

Hm hm hm.

We’ll see.

Jules Hamilton

Autumn in London

Hello everyone, someone?

My last post was dates back to… March.. which is like… ages ago. Well, not much has changes, to be honest. Life is not very exciting.

Summer was nice enough. I managed to do some resting, spent a whole month in my home country, doing mostly nothing… Well, if you consider sleeping, eating and sunbathing ‘nothing’, which I do. It was good, though, I think I even went as far as saying that it was the best holiday of my life. I probably exaggerated as it felt good to not worry about work stuff for a while.

I also did some business travelling and enjoyed it very much. It was refreshing to do something different for a change. I will also go to Caribbean in January, paid by the company… I have to admit that this is rather exciting, not something I take for granted. I might end up requesting the flights to be booked via NYC and spend there for a bit.

I haven’t done a lot of dating. I had this cute Norwegian musician who we… well, had sex with… quite regularly.. but I quickly got tired of it as he preferred not to spend the night. I like intimacy and if it’s just sex and nothing more, I get bored… and, to be totally honest, I think in this case I would rather not have sex at all. I have met up with an ex a couple of times but he, quite oppositely, seems to have feelings for me, so I do not really want to use him. I have no serious plans with this guy anymore.

I have done some online dating but nothing good has come out of it. I planned to have a date with this super cute German guy today but he is too shy and postpones it all the time, still seeming to be interested, though. I am just going to let it go. I am too old for that crap.

Work wise, as briefly mentioned, things have improved but I am not quite where I want to be, yet. I guess me finishing off my MSc degree, it is only logical that they do not want to give me too much responsibility but.. I am getting bored, again.. Well, I am constantly, to be honest.

Oh well. I guess that’s it for now. I hope the next post will come in less than 6 months :) LOL.

My current PC background photo :)

Laters!

I need a boyfriend!

Hey there.

I hate my life.

OK, actually it sucks when there is not really anything to complain about but I feel so depressed. OK, let’s try to list what is GOOD in my life right now:

• It’s spring, the sun is shining
• I have a well-paid job and just got a nice annual bonus
• I am doing a postgraduate degree that will potentially be very useful in the future
• London is… nice
• My colleagues are great
• …
• …
• Ghhh!

It sounds ‘whatever’ actually, who needs all that shit anyway. I would just like to quit my job, quit my studies and take off to… somewhere else.. somewhere new and exciting… or maybe back to Los Angeles?

HELP HELP HELP

The problem is also that my lease has run out and I need to find a new place. I am very specific about the area I want to live in, so it is difficult (Yes, I am only looking for places in Vauxhall, Kennington, Waterloo and Borough – London South Bank).

And my job is not motivating me at all anymore :(

I just need a boyfriend.

Oh, and I have started reading. Loads. I have to upload some reviews when I have a bit of more time…

‘Tales of the City’ series. Oh, I love it. I am reading the 3rd book right now :) and it makes me want to move to San Francisco.

Ahhh.

Ok, I need to go now. A friend came over and we’re gonna grab something to eat.. there’s a chocolate market at the south bank!

PSPSPS! Remind me to share my traveling plans next time!

L

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s

s

s

:)

And the mandatory boy-pic

Single Man

‘The Single Man’ film has managed to create quite some buzz at least here in London.  Although I think that the film is marketed not for what it is, which is a different subject anyway…

I did not expect much, to be totally honest, having read some reviews from here and there, and weren’t impressed. A friend of mine really wanted to see the film and it was shown in my favorite low-cost cinema so I decided to go for it and give it a shot.

I have to admit that the film touched me. Yeah, OK, maybe because I am gay myself… righto. Anyway, I think that the production was awesome. The way the colors were played with, etc… amazing. Colin Firth’s acting was amazing, so was Julianne Moore’s

…just one of these films that end and you just want to stay there and sit there until the end titles run out… and then keep on sitting and thinking about stuff. There are not many films that I want to watch more than once, but if somebody asked me to go and watch that one again, I would.

Go and watch it if you haven’t yet.

Spring in London

Hey there!

I can’t believe I haven’t updated this since August 2009. I must be busy, huh? Well, I am actually not that busy… Daily life is just somewhat… gray and boring. I don’t feel that I have much to share.. so I just… don’t, lol! I think that makes perfect sense and… to be honest – I admire people who can go on blogging for years and years… without any breaks… or major ones at least.. well, that’s not coming as a big news that I am not one of them, lol.

So what’s been going on in my life – nothing to be honest. I am studying again.. postgraduate, yey! and am still working for the same company… so it is going to be a year in two weeks – I wouldn’t have believed that… and this also means I am still in London… I wouldn’t have believed that either… that I am still here in March 2010.  I guess life is full of surprises… or not!

No big developments in private life either. I am not sure if I told you guys about the boyfriend I had … in summer 2009… well, I broke up with him, but we’ve been going out anyway.. he has a new BFF now but I am not sure that he is very into him. I have a feeling that he’d take me back if I just said something, but I won’t … he is not my type, not really.

I had another boyfriend… or I can’t even say that he was a boyfriend.. just an adventure.. but he turned out to be a jerk and… a junkie! So that did not work out (not a shocker). I didn’t even get my heart broken, what a disappointment.

I can’t say that I am very optimistic either… It doesn’t seem that I have what it takes. Or… I don’t know. I am busy with full time job and part time postgraduate studies… and I am not a nightclub type of a person.. and there seem to be no decent guys online either. What the hell should I do with my life?

I wanna move to San Francisco.

I want summer

I want want want. Something.

Grayson Vaughan :) Simple.

INTERNET IS BACK!!!

Just a quick note that I’m back! Will write more tomorrow

Cheers for staying tuned:)

(is anyone tuned?!)

F a n t a s t i c :D cute guys of today

Oh! Cute guy of today!

I just could not leave it unposted.. sorry for spamming, guys! Look at HIM!

Not Bad..

Sorry, I am totally not such an horny rabbit! …. Only in the mornings.. hahaha! Ok, I’ll try to behave now.

Cheeeers